I am bored. I'm bored of life and the way it is, I hate to bitch and say I hate the way it's turned out because it could be so much worse than it is.
But I hate the way it's turned out, everything in my life is at a complete and utter stand still, as it goes I'm just existing, what I'm doing right now can't be considered as living, because I know there is far more to life than this.
For example, when you have no money, you then realise everything you need to do or want to do somehow involves money, whether it's petrol for the car, public transport, car parks, food, drinks at the pub, just small things that you don't even think about seem to cost fuck loads when you don't have it.
I am bored of not being with the guy I long to be with, the guy I love and adore.
I am bored of TV and music, the same stuff over and over.
I am bored of not seeing my friends as much as I want and going for meals and cinema.
I am bored of having no drive and no ambition, because I can't be bothered.
And am bored of writing this.
Tuesday 27 March 2007
Friday 23 March 2007
Hearts of Gold
I've never been a religious person, nor do I believe there is a God, but I truly feel blessed by having the 4 girl friends that I have.
If I were to go back 5 years, I had no friends. Pretty much the same could be said about my whole teenage life until I reached about 18. I had 'friends' at the time that turned out to be backstabbers, or just generally nasty people.
One of my now best friends I have known since I was 15 through the same friend, we never hung out on our own, but when out groups of friends came together, for some strange reason me and her were inseparable, we used to laugh and get drunk together in the park, like teenagers do at that age, and talk about being in a band, sometimes ignoring all the other people around us because we were so engrossed in our own conversation. Not until the 5th of December, not last year, but the year before, I asked her to come with me, while I went to meet a guy in London who's band was playing. She did. And since that day, I don't think I've gone more than about 3 days without talking to each other in some form, whether it be through phone calls, texts, emails, myspace comments etc.
Another one of my best friends I met at college. The thing with our college is it had courses for music, media, dance and art students, the place was filled with talented people and during free lessons or break times the main corridor was packed with students. Again I met her through one of my classmates, she was a music student, on a guitar course and I was a media student. I'm not quite sure how exactly it happened, but we were both fans of a particular metal band, and it so happened we were both going to the same gig at the Brixton Academy on the 5th of December 2004, exactly a year before the other gig, a omen or a sign?! Either way we were standing in the corridor, getting louder and louder talking about how much the lead singer turned us on, and so, obviously we've remained friends ever since.
On the 3rd of November last year we all flew out to LA for my birthday, which turned out to be a real test of friendship, we pulled it the fuck together and got on with it, and I was so proud of it, that not only did we catch our flight out there, but other than the first couple of days we didn't really have any idea of where else we were going to be staying, what we we're going to be doing, who we'd meet up with etc, but we did, and it was one of the best times of our lives, and I say it like that because I know there are more times to come.
Luckily two of my other best friends are in my band and for the short amount of time I've known them, we are extremely close already, and I love them, I love all of them, not only did I go from having no friends, to a small, close group of girl friends that can tell each other anything, and they are great, I can't go for one day now without talking to at least two of them and most days I get the chance to talk to all of them.
I'll never be able to explain to them how much they mean to me, they are fantastic people and I would without question risk my own life to save theirs.
Love x
If I were to go back 5 years, I had no friends. Pretty much the same could be said about my whole teenage life until I reached about 18. I had 'friends' at the time that turned out to be backstabbers, or just generally nasty people.
One of my now best friends I have known since I was 15 through the same friend, we never hung out on our own, but when out groups of friends came together, for some strange reason me and her were inseparable, we used to laugh and get drunk together in the park, like teenagers do at that age, and talk about being in a band, sometimes ignoring all the other people around us because we were so engrossed in our own conversation. Not until the 5th of December, not last year, but the year before, I asked her to come with me, while I went to meet a guy in London who's band was playing. She did. And since that day, I don't think I've gone more than about 3 days without talking to each other in some form, whether it be through phone calls, texts, emails, myspace comments etc.
Another one of my best friends I met at college. The thing with our college is it had courses for music, media, dance and art students, the place was filled with talented people and during free lessons or break times the main corridor was packed with students. Again I met her through one of my classmates, she was a music student, on a guitar course and I was a media student. I'm not quite sure how exactly it happened, but we were both fans of a particular metal band, and it so happened we were both going to the same gig at the Brixton Academy on the 5th of December 2004, exactly a year before the other gig, a omen or a sign?! Either way we were standing in the corridor, getting louder and louder talking about how much the lead singer turned us on, and so, obviously we've remained friends ever since.
On the 3rd of November last year we all flew out to LA for my birthday, which turned out to be a real test of friendship, we pulled it the fuck together and got on with it, and I was so proud of it, that not only did we catch our flight out there, but other than the first couple of days we didn't really have any idea of where else we were going to be staying, what we we're going to be doing, who we'd meet up with etc, but we did, and it was one of the best times of our lives, and I say it like that because I know there are more times to come.
Luckily two of my other best friends are in my band and for the short amount of time I've known them, we are extremely close already, and I love them, I love all of them, not only did I go from having no friends, to a small, close group of girl friends that can tell each other anything, and they are great, I can't go for one day now without talking to at least two of them and most days I get the chance to talk to all of them.
I'll never be able to explain to them how much they mean to me, they are fantastic people and I would without question risk my own life to save theirs.
Love x
Thursday 22 March 2007
J'adore
For somethings I like to refer to the dictionary, just to find real meaning of a word, a better understanding lets say.
Love (noun)
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3.
a. Sexual passion.
b. Sexual intercourse.
c. A love affair.
4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
6. An expression of one's affection
Reading through I find that all accurate to the way I feel, and the way I've felt for the past 9 months.
I've only ever told one person that I love them, of course I love my family and I defiantly love my friends, I tell them at every given opportunity, but last July, was the first time in my whole life that I realised I was head over heels, in love.
So, I'll be honest, not once in my life have I had a boyfriend, come to think of it, until last year I've never even had a lot of attention from the opposite sex, of course you get a couple of admirers, but nothing to write home about.
When we all left primary school and went to secondary school all my female friends began to get boyfriends, though I'll admit at age 12 it's hardly the most serious of relationships, unfortunately I felt completely left out, but that's what happens to the 'ugly ducklings' in the group, which I turned out to be the only one. My circle of friends promptly changed and I began mixing with a group of guys who were in a band, and they remained my best friends until I left school. I moved on with college and then work, and still guys showed a lack of interest in me, and adding my lack of self confidence to the mix probably didn't help the situation. I would cry, and not understand why no one was interested in me, overall I'm a fairly decent girl.
I've been on dates and I've been 'seeing' guys, but it's never amounted to anything, and a disastrous ending has been the norm for most of them.
Being with my now best friends, my confidence grew, not saying that I'm the most self confident person that you'll meet, far from it, but step by step I'm getting there.
The Internet, a fantastic medium, and I've met many friends on here, nowadays it's easier if you take into consideration sites like myspace and facebook, I'm sure the list is endless. Before the days of friendster, Internet forums were the best way of meeting people, and so I joined a few, not at all for dating purposes, but just to chat about things I like with people that share the same or similar interest. Seeing as I have a lot to say for myself, I talked to a lot of people, and met a guy 'got me' or as much as you can get online. The forum had arranged a meet at one of the summer festivals in June that a lot of people were attending because of a certain band. The meet came and I saw this guy, recognising him from several photos that he had posted on the "What do you look like" section of the forum. He was playing in a five-a-side football match at the time of the meet, so we stood and watched him play football, which was more thirty-a-side, but that's besides the point. By this point I was slightly under the influence, being as it was the first day of the festival, also me being so shy I never said anything, I left and went back to my campsite seeing as the football match was never ending and new people constantly jumping over the small fences to join in. The guy was gorgeous, so I didn't introduce myself for any other reason than shyness on my behalf.
The next month he was coming to London for a gig, which a lot of us were attending, again another forum meeting was taking place. We had been texting for nearly two months, and we got along like a house on fire. About 8 of us had planned to stay in 2 rooms a London hotel that night, we had planned for him to stay with us as well seeing as he lived a 6 hour car journey away and we also knew the chances of the show ending late were fairly high. The evening was great, and spending the night with him was even better, even though we were sharing a room with two of my female friends, so it was fairly innocent.
When he left, we continued to speak nearly every night on the phone and text everyday, we met up every month if we could, and then we would stay in a hotel for a few days, it was perfect.
Let me refer you to the first paragraph of this blog, this is how I feel, I'm in love with this amazing guy, who I can talk to about anything, and he makes me smile in a way that no one else can.
It hasn't been easy, I don't want to bore you with the details, and also people tend to judge the situation if I mention certain things.
I want to see him every single day, but I can't, and that is so hard to cope with, but you keep it going because you hope there is some kind of chance that things will eventually go the way you've been dreaming for.
Hopefully, if money allows I'll get to spend a few more (long awaited) days with him next month.
I love him. I love him the way that I don't feel love like that for anyone else, and I don't want to feel it for anyone else, I want him.
Love (noun)
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3.
a. Sexual passion.
b. Sexual intercourse.
c. A love affair.
4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
6. An expression of one's affection
Reading through I find that all accurate to the way I feel, and the way I've felt for the past 9 months.
I've only ever told one person that I love them, of course I love my family and I defiantly love my friends, I tell them at every given opportunity, but last July, was the first time in my whole life that I realised I was head over heels, in love.
So, I'll be honest, not once in my life have I had a boyfriend, come to think of it, until last year I've never even had a lot of attention from the opposite sex, of course you get a couple of admirers, but nothing to write home about.
When we all left primary school and went to secondary school all my female friends began to get boyfriends, though I'll admit at age 12 it's hardly the most serious of relationships, unfortunately I felt completely left out, but that's what happens to the 'ugly ducklings' in the group, which I turned out to be the only one. My circle of friends promptly changed and I began mixing with a group of guys who were in a band, and they remained my best friends until I left school. I moved on with college and then work, and still guys showed a lack of interest in me, and adding my lack of self confidence to the mix probably didn't help the situation. I would cry, and not understand why no one was interested in me, overall I'm a fairly decent girl.
I've been on dates and I've been 'seeing' guys, but it's never amounted to anything, and a disastrous ending has been the norm for most of them.
Being with my now best friends, my confidence grew, not saying that I'm the most self confident person that you'll meet, far from it, but step by step I'm getting there.
The Internet, a fantastic medium, and I've met many friends on here, nowadays it's easier if you take into consideration sites like myspace and facebook, I'm sure the list is endless. Before the days of friendster, Internet forums were the best way of meeting people, and so I joined a few, not at all for dating purposes, but just to chat about things I like with people that share the same or similar interest. Seeing as I have a lot to say for myself, I talked to a lot of people, and met a guy 'got me' or as much as you can get online. The forum had arranged a meet at one of the summer festivals in June that a lot of people were attending because of a certain band. The meet came and I saw this guy, recognising him from several photos that he had posted on the "What do you look like" section of the forum. He was playing in a five-a-side football match at the time of the meet, so we stood and watched him play football, which was more thirty-a-side, but that's besides the point. By this point I was slightly under the influence, being as it was the first day of the festival, also me being so shy I never said anything, I left and went back to my campsite seeing as the football match was never ending and new people constantly jumping over the small fences to join in. The guy was gorgeous, so I didn't introduce myself for any other reason than shyness on my behalf.
The next month he was coming to London for a gig, which a lot of us were attending, again another forum meeting was taking place. We had been texting for nearly two months, and we got along like a house on fire. About 8 of us had planned to stay in 2 rooms a London hotel that night, we had planned for him to stay with us as well seeing as he lived a 6 hour car journey away and we also knew the chances of the show ending late were fairly high. The evening was great, and spending the night with him was even better, even though we were sharing a room with two of my female friends, so it was fairly innocent.
When he left, we continued to speak nearly every night on the phone and text everyday, we met up every month if we could, and then we would stay in a hotel for a few days, it was perfect.
Let me refer you to the first paragraph of this blog, this is how I feel, I'm in love with this amazing guy, who I can talk to about anything, and he makes me smile in a way that no one else can.
It hasn't been easy, I don't want to bore you with the details, and also people tend to judge the situation if I mention certain things.
I want to see him every single day, but I can't, and that is so hard to cope with, but you keep it going because you hope there is some kind of chance that things will eventually go the way you've been dreaming for.
Hopefully, if money allows I'll get to spend a few more (long awaited) days with him next month.
I love him. I love him the way that I don't feel love like that for anyone else, and I don't want to feel it for anyone else, I want him.
Wednesday 21 March 2007
So Long, Farewell
Well perhaps I exaggerated slightly, let me explain.
September I believe it was, my band Dirty Cherry were still searching for a second guitarist, me, being such an avid fan of the popular myspace, saw this same girl keep popping up over and over, everyone knew her in the 'sleaze scene', or had seen her, she's got a face for fame.
She is the kind of girl you meet, or even if you glanced at her across a crowded room, SHE would stand out above everyone else, not only in looks but personality, she will be famous, I don't know, but with some people you can just tell.
Her name's Alicia, probably more commonly known as Miss Scarlet Viper, formally of Maeven, (as of last month anyway) so knowing she was already in another band and me being me, I messaged her, I believe it was along the lines of...
"Hey,
I know you're in a band already, but my band are looking for another guitarist and I was just wondering if you would be interested.
X"
I didn't really think much of it, I knew she had the look we wanted, and to say she was perfect really wouldn't do it justice, so you could say I waited for a response, but then again I didn't, already knowing that she was in another band, that and the fact she lives in Sheffield, what a good 4 hours away? Surely she wouldn't be interested.
In all honesty I was kind of surprised when she replied, not only did she reply but she said she was interested, finally a pipe dream that me and my best friend have had for nearly 5 years was actually coming into place. Not only did she reply, not only did she say she was interested, but the amount of personality that came across in the one message blew me away.
We talked and she explained that she was going away to America for 6 weeks on tour with her band, a slight setback I guess I saw it as, but we had more of the puzzle fitting together than we had done previously.
The first time we met, she came to London for New Years Eve, guitar in toe obviously, but due to the amount of alcohol consumed we never practice, poor excuse I guess, it didn't matter though, we got to meet, AND we got along, bonus!
Months past and we still barely saw each other, but we talked every other day at least. We all began writing seriously and Alicia asked a friend of hers, who was also in a band, to drum for us, we call her Tristen, which is her birth name, but insults will do as well.
Let me get back on track.....Fast forward to the beginning of February, Alicia decides she's moving to LA to go to the Music Institute, jaw dropping, she also leaves her original band, so on the 3rd, the four other members of Dirty Cherry, including myself, get in my car and we make the 2 hour (if you don't get lost) journey to Nottingham, to witness Alicias last gig with Maeven.
Again I'll fast forward, this time to today, Alicia is leaving tomorrow, she'll board her plane and arrive at roughly 5pm Californian time.
As soon as she told me, I cried, I'm not sure why, I think it could be one of many reasons, reality set in you could say, I won't see her for at least 3 months, even though I don't often see her, not nearly as often as I would like to anyways, there's something comforting in knowing that one of your best friends is ONLY 4 hours away, and in the short time I have known her, I love her, she's one of my best friends, she's one of those people that have your back and that you can trust with all your little secrets as well as laugh at each other about the stupid things over a alcoholic based drink and a menthol ciggerette, y'know? Another reason I cried, is, as embarrassed as it makes me, I'm jealous, she's going out to this great place, and she is living the dream, and fucking good on her, when do you get the chance to do something that you really, really want to do? Probably the final reason as to why I cried, I'm happy for her, she really deserves this.
For 3 months during the summer, we will go and join her, and I for one cannot wait.
Alicia, still a member of Dirty Cherry, we will work this out, even if we have to die trying.
September I believe it was, my band Dirty Cherry were still searching for a second guitarist, me, being such an avid fan of the popular myspace, saw this same girl keep popping up over and over, everyone knew her in the 'sleaze scene', or had seen her, she's got a face for fame.
She is the kind of girl you meet, or even if you glanced at her across a crowded room, SHE would stand out above everyone else, not only in looks but personality, she will be famous, I don't know, but with some people you can just tell.
Her name's Alicia, probably more commonly known as Miss Scarlet Viper, formally of Maeven, (as of last month anyway) so knowing she was already in another band and me being me, I messaged her, I believe it was along the lines of...
"Hey,
I know you're in a band already, but my band are looking for another guitarist and I was just wondering if you would be interested.
X"
I didn't really think much of it, I knew she had the look we wanted, and to say she was perfect really wouldn't do it justice, so you could say I waited for a response, but then again I didn't, already knowing that she was in another band, that and the fact she lives in Sheffield, what a good 4 hours away? Surely she wouldn't be interested.
In all honesty I was kind of surprised when she replied, not only did she reply but she said she was interested, finally a pipe dream that me and my best friend have had for nearly 5 years was actually coming into place. Not only did she reply, not only did she say she was interested, but the amount of personality that came across in the one message blew me away.
We talked and she explained that she was going away to America for 6 weeks on tour with her band, a slight setback I guess I saw it as, but we had more of the puzzle fitting together than we had done previously.
The first time we met, she came to London for New Years Eve, guitar in toe obviously, but due to the amount of alcohol consumed we never practice, poor excuse I guess, it didn't matter though, we got to meet, AND we got along, bonus!
Months past and we still barely saw each other, but we talked every other day at least. We all began writing seriously and Alicia asked a friend of hers, who was also in a band, to drum for us, we call her Tristen, which is her birth name, but insults will do as well.
Let me get back on track.....Fast forward to the beginning of February, Alicia decides she's moving to LA to go to the Music Institute, jaw dropping, she also leaves her original band, so on the 3rd, the four other members of Dirty Cherry, including myself, get in my car and we make the 2 hour (if you don't get lost) journey to Nottingham, to witness Alicias last gig with Maeven.
Again I'll fast forward, this time to today, Alicia is leaving tomorrow, she'll board her plane and arrive at roughly 5pm Californian time.
As soon as she told me, I cried, I'm not sure why, I think it could be one of many reasons, reality set in you could say, I won't see her for at least 3 months, even though I don't often see her, not nearly as often as I would like to anyways, there's something comforting in knowing that one of your best friends is ONLY 4 hours away, and in the short time I have known her, I love her, she's one of my best friends, she's one of those people that have your back and that you can trust with all your little secrets as well as laugh at each other about the stupid things over a alcoholic based drink and a menthol ciggerette, y'know? Another reason I cried, is, as embarrassed as it makes me, I'm jealous, she's going out to this great place, and she is living the dream, and fucking good on her, when do you get the chance to do something that you really, really want to do? Probably the final reason as to why I cried, I'm happy for her, she really deserves this.
For 3 months during the summer, we will go and join her, and I for one cannot wait.
Alicia, still a member of Dirty Cherry, we will work this out, even if we have to die trying.
In Regards To Job Hunting
After nearly two years of the same job, to say I was more than bored was more than an understatement. Sometimes having to wake up at 6:30am (probably the latest) for a 7am start wasn't something I found particularly easy to do, especially after several heavy nights, and also considering some nights I wouldn't get home until approximately 5:45am, Hey, who am I to turn a good night out down?!So I decided, roughly half way through December, I can't work there anymore, not only was I stuck on these awful shifts (7am - 3:30pm or 2:30pm - 11pm) of a vicious circle, where I could go to work early, go out early in the evening, and then come home early because of my early start, or get up late, start the late shift, then go out after work, when by the time I would get out, most local bars and pubs were closing, or some clever cunt would rota me on a late - early, where you would have 8 hours between shift, where apparently you we're suppose to sleep.So on the 9th of January, I hung up my uniform so to speak, and left that job and all the miserable people that hotel contained, not to say that I didn't make a couple of good friends there, I did, and for that I can be grateful.
So it's been two months and still no job, and it's not as if I haven't been looking, I have, constantly, to be fair, I think it's also been equaled by having fun, well maybe I’ve had slightly more fun, okay loads, sheesh I’m unemployed and young, carpe diem as they say, how often do you get the chance to enjoy yourself? Perhaps I am way too fussy for my own good, or so I’ve been told, but what's wrong with wanting the best for myself? I don't want a career, just a 9-5 job like all the other average shmucks out there, is that really so hard to ask, I don't want anything too serious, I just need some damn money, which will equal more fun.But I’m a sensible young girl, a job is what I need, not for the sheer pleasure of it, but due to the fact I need to take hold of my life, get my future sorted, or at least enough to drag me though to the end of the summer.
So it's been two months and still no job, and it's not as if I haven't been looking, I have, constantly, to be fair, I think it's also been equaled by having fun, well maybe I’ve had slightly more fun, okay loads, sheesh I’m unemployed and young, carpe diem as they say, how often do you get the chance to enjoy yourself? Perhaps I am way too fussy for my own good, or so I’ve been told, but what's wrong with wanting the best for myself? I don't want a career, just a 9-5 job like all the other average shmucks out there, is that really so hard to ask, I don't want anything too serious, I just need some damn money, which will equal more fun.But I’m a sensible young girl, a job is what I need, not for the sheer pleasure of it, but due to the fact I need to take hold of my life, get my future sorted, or at least enough to drag me though to the end of the summer.
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