Excuse Me Nurse, Can I Check Myself In?

As of the 29th of next month, I'll be heading to L.A with the girls, but in all honesty the first thing I feel like doing after I step of the plane is check myself into rehab.
This year so far had stressed me out to the max, I've suffered panic attacks, complete loss of appetite, lathargicness, mood swings, jealousy, insomnia, and that is to name just a few.
In this year, I've cried a lot, I'm a bit of an emotional wreck as of late, I'm not really used to so many bad things happening like they have done recently, but my god, when they happen, they sure do happen, it's never just the one thing, it's 4 or 5 things all at once, and it hits like a bulldozer, I never see it coming.
I will also never ask for advice or help, I like thing done my own way, at least then if something goes wrong I know who to blame, I criticize myself in a way that no one else could. That's probably why I can't stand it when situations are so out of my control, I guess you need to just ride the roller coaster like a drug.

One thing is for sure, I need to get away, I need to be away from most of the people I talk to, I need a break, I hate being constantly in a bad mood about everything. I hate that I feel lonely, when I know I'm way too busy to commit myself to anyone, or at least that's the excuse I'm using for myself. I hate missing people, and wishing situations were different after I've tried to change them but been unsuccessful. I hate caring for people that don't deserve it. I hate the feeling of being bitter.

I need to start a new chapter in my life, with all the people that do make me happy, and going to the places I'm at my happiest.

I can't wait to see friends that I miss, and that actually miss me.

I also need someone who would be willing to take me there.

"Life is what happens to you, while you're busy making other plans."

- John Lennon

Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.

Within the space of 9 days, 3 people I knew personally have passed away.The last time I went to a funeral was nearly 10 years ago, when my grandfather passed on, the prospect of going to 3 in just over a week is heart wrenching. I was never a person to show people how I truly feel, and to sit in a public place and cry in front of other people is incredibly difficult for me.Two of the people I knew died at the age of 19, younger than me, and two of the nicest guys I've ever genuinely met, neither of them had a bad word to say about anyone and never did I hear a bad word against them, to say life is cruel is something of an understatement, both will be missed sorely, by their girlfriends, family and friends. Both died through no fault of their own, Kev from a car crash where another car collided with his, and Adam from cancer which he had been suffering with for a little while now, chemo didn’t work as we all had wished, but at least he doesn’t need to suffer anymore.

The third person who died was my auntie, she’s had cancer since around new years, her condition as gotten worse over the months, but within the last week it was an awfully steep hill downwards, I know it was her wish to die just over a month ago, and she had practically stopped eating by the time she got moved into the hospice a little over a week ago.
So within these 9 days all three have unforunatly died, God bless their souls.

The sad part is, that only after someone dies, it really makes you appreciate everything you have, friends, family, life. Everything is taken for granted, when it shouldn’t be, every breath is a miracle, something I now appreciate more. I can’t deal with petty arguments and enemies, it’s not worth my time anymore, I don’t know when I’ll die, all I know is it could happen at any time, so why bother holding grudges?

Bad luck is all it was, they didn’t bring it on themselves, they couldn’t have stopped it, but they were loved while they were here, and that is the most important thing.

"Our life is made by the death of others."
Leonardo da Vinci